Removing Shame From Parenting
Approaches to removing the shame from your parenting and helping kids develop a healthier resilience against shame and disappointment.
Positive Parenting Conference by: A Fine Parent
How do you keep up with everything and all the information, the do’s and don’ts on parenting, where society and research tells us the type of parent we are supposed to be, and making us feel like we are inadequate as parents, not good parents, or feel shameful for the type of parents we are? How we use social media to validate whether we are good parents or not by the number of likes we receive on a particular post. We need to become SHAMEPROOF PARENTS.
Your goal is not to project your own shame story onto your children. Empower your child to deal with their own shame story (because whether you like it or not, they will also have their own shame stories). Give them the space to say “I didn’t make a good decision, this is what I am going to do about it.”
We are trying to be too perfect. Acknowledge that you are NOT perfect, but are trying to be the nicer person, so when you see this happen to your child, become curious as to why they are behaving a certain way, and try to understand why.
With all the parenting information out there, it can be quite overwhelming for parents. The easiest away to peel back the layers is to think about your vision as a parent, who you are as a parent, including your culture, spirituality, religion, and start looking at the techniques, methods, and strategies that aline with that.
Guides for parenting strategies:
What tools / traits do you want your child to have when they’re 18? (Independence, respect, academics etc - what is important to you?)
Pick strategies from a lot of experts, resources etc.
5 categories of strategies:
Strategies that include identities (they are their own person - help them find out who they are and what they like)
Tools that help the development of emotion. If you learn to express yourself in a healthy way, it can help you to excel in your life, because emotions are a big part of our lives.
Teach your child social skills
Strategies that help brain development (asking what they learnt at school: how a child learns impacts the way their brain processes information and certain children at certain ages are not yet capable of performing certain tasks.)
Strategies that create healthy parent / child relationships - in this fast paced world, we really have to slow down and connect with our children. This is something that comes up over and over again from several parenting experts, you need to find the time to connect with each child so that they feel confident and safe to speak up and connect with you, especially when they are older and when something is not ok.
Shameproof Framework: How is the world affecting us?
Components of the framework:
Have a family meeting once a week.
Get to know each other.
Build problem solving skills. You become aware of skills that you weren’t aware of.
If children don’t have the space to speak out, they start acting out.
Something to remember: We are not perfect humans, and as parents we are raising children who are not perfect humans, (AND also not fully developed), so conflicts will be had and mistakes will be made. It is how you deal with that, that matters most!
Send the message: "The more I know you, the more I understand that you are trying to do better and better."
Mercedes has a lovely Facebook Page and posts about ending parent shaming, seeing families heal, giving parents confidence, and living a life full of unconditional love and self-acceptance.